Wants to Write
As soon as I felt the nudge, in the wee hours of the morning, like He always does, I pleaded, and said, "Oh, no, GOD, please don't make me write this one." Of course, there was no use in begging. Seven years after becoming a writer, after writing seven books, and over a hundred blog posts, I'm still questioning GOD's Sovereign Hand in this writing thing, but,when He tells you to tell all, if you don't, He will, another much more embarrassing way.
Usually, when GOD shows me this wonderful truth in my trek to know Him better, I'm only too happy to write a blog and share this wonderful discovery to lighten someone's load, or open someone's mind to a truth no one ever showed them before. This post, however, is the exception. I saw something that I've seen a hundred times or more, but never saw before as it applied to me. It was definitely a turning point for me, however, I'm just not sure how I can adequately explain this without making me look really, and I mean REALLY bad.
I never claimed perfection, these past seven years, I laid open before the world all my imperfections, but this one, well, it's the Biblical kind. You know that mistake that person makes in the Bible and when you read it, you think, "What was she thinking?" Yeah, it's that kind of mistake. My mistake lasted two years, and the fall out has absolutely crushed me, and crushed me, it should have. I deserved every tear I cried.
I'm going to tell you a story of a woman in the Bible whom GOD denied having children. GOD told her husband that he would have a son, and the world would be blessed through that son, but the woman, past child-bearing age didn't believe. She concocted this numb-skull idea of giving her servant girl to her husband to have a child, thus, her husband could have an heir, and she could claim that child as being in their household. I know, sounds crazy to us, but perfectly normal in the patriarchal age.
Many of you know the story. It was a disaster of Biblical proportions, pun intended. The pregnant servant girl lorded it over her mistress, and the jealousy of the mistress led her to mistreat her servant girl, like woman scorned. From these two women came six thousand years of turmoil in the middle east. So, I guess two years of my own turmoil was me getting off easier than I should have.
So, what did the older woman do, that made this story such a classic? She blamed the man, of course. Yeah, I know, sounds crazy, huh? The poor guy didn't know what to do. He was just doing what nature called him to do, and what his wife suggested surely did sound good to him. When GOD uses the Bible as a mirror, it makes the reflection I see in a real mirror look a lot better to me than it usually does.
A couple of weeks ago, I'm on my treadmill, listening to my new favorite preacher on-line, Erwin Lutzer, and he's doing a sermon series on Abraham. I mean, it's not like I don't know that story inside and out, but when Pastor Lutzer said in his sermon, concerning Sarai, blaming her husband, "Wait a minute, lady, who's idea was this in the first place, and who initiated all of this?" It was as if a gavel had dropped down from heaven, and plunked me directly on my head. A flashback of a past mistake, one that I wanted to forget, played in Dolby surround sound, in my head, and I finally saw the truth of what happened. I slapped myself upside the head, and thought, "Oh my GOD, it was ALL my fault, all that time, it's been my fault. It was my initiative, every time."
Although, I took some responsibility, and considered myself as guilty as Bathsheba, and having repented of it, considered myself forgiven, the thought never occurred to me that I wasn't as guilty as Bathsheba, but as guilty as David! All this time, I was pulling a Sarai, and blaming the man. I had confessed my sin, so I was clean, or so I thought. Apparently, the bleach-bit software, I used to completely delete my part of the sin in the scenario was as defective as the deep state's attempt to unseat a duly elected President. (A little Qanon humor there, for more info on that, you'll have to check out an earlier blog titled "Time to Get in the Know.")
I don't need to get into the details of this horrible situation if you know the story, and yes, the very same sin, only no baby involved, thank goodness. The circumstances were very different, but I was the one who initiated what I knew could turn into a night of stupidity and humanity, in all the wrong places. The worst part was that I blamed him, as the David, when it really was me.
When that lead ball dropped, so did I. That was the end of my work out, no cool down, just a huge let down. WOW! What a humbling moment. That dude, by the way, hated my guts, and had told me to get lost four times in the course of three and a half years. What was I to do? I had to tell him it wasn't his fault, that it was all mine, but surely, he didn't want to hear from me.
What does one do, when one needs to get a message across, but doesn't know how to do it? Well, she Tweets it, of course. The only problem being was that he wasn't on Twitter. The ONLY thing I could do was to screen shot the apology, and send it via a text from my new phone number, anonymously, hoping not to tick him off, again, for the umpteenth time. Believe me, I prayed a lot during those few minutes. I finally decided the worst thing that could happen was only what happened before, but at least, I would have done the right thing and taken full responsibility for every thing that had gone wrong between us over the past two years.
To make a long and boring story to you short, a few texts back and forth, and eventually, getting up the nerve to identify myself, turns out, he didn't hate me after all, he just didn't understand where I got off coming off so high and mighty, getting in his business. SLAM! He was right, again. Mistake number two. I had the nerve of trying to tell him to correct the error of his ways, when it was my error with him that started this whole mess. I had no business in his business until I did business with the sin myself.
So, I sinned with this man, I blamed him, and yet, my sin with this man, only perpetuated his. WOW! It's amazing how pain can draw us into the wrong directions, and cause us to do really stupid and human things. The pain of abandonment drove me into his arms, then the pain of shame drove me out. Then the pain of rejection caused me to be even MORE stupid and human, until the pain of conviction hit home and fixed everything.
He doesn't hate me, we are not friends, but, he is going to do something for me that I have been begging GOD to have him do, because, although we are coming from different angles, he is the only one I trust to do this job correctly and to the best of his ability.
My house is rotting out from underneath me, and needs some serious carpentry work. He's done work for me before, and although the work turned out well, the relationship soured even more. One more attempt to get him to fix my house, last year, and what was bad went to really really really bad. I spent this past year in panic mode while six other carpenters traipsed through my house, with each one falling through the rotted wood, so to speak, for one reason or another. When the last decent one turned out to be a crack head, I really started cracking up with panic. Turns out, I was the crack pot all along. Pun intended.
What gave me the courage to ask again, can only be of GOD, but he said yes, and what I knew in my heart two years ago, about him being the only reliable man to fix what was rotting all around me, was put off for two extra years because, it wasn't just the wood rotting in my house, but the stench of self-righteous piety in me.