Tuesday, June 11, 2019

The Blog Post NOBODY
 Wants to Write

      As soon as I felt the nudge, in the wee hours of the morning, like He always does, I pleaded, and said, "Oh, no, GOD, please don't make me write this one."  Of course, there was no use in begging.  Seven years after becoming a writer, after writing seven books, and over a hundred blog posts, I'm still questioning GOD's Sovereign Hand in this writing thing, but,when He tells you to tell all, if you don't, He will, another much more embarrassing way.  

     Usually, when GOD shows me this wonderful truth in my trek to know Him better, I'm only too happy to write a blog and share this wonderful discovery to lighten someone's load, or open someone's mind to a truth no one ever showed them before.  This post, however, is the exception.  I saw something that I've seen a hundred times or more, but never saw before as it applied to me.  It was definitely a turning point for me, however, I'm just not sure how I can adequately explain this without making me look really, and I mean REALLY bad.  

     I never claimed perfection, these past seven years, I laid open before the world all my imperfections, but this one, well, it's the Biblical kind. You know that mistake that person makes in the Bible and when you read it, you think, "What was she thinking?" Yeah, it's that kind of mistake.  My mistake lasted two years, and the fall out has absolutely crushed me, and crushed me, it should have. I deserved every tear I cried.    

    I'm going to tell you a story of a woman in the Bible whom GOD denied having children.  GOD told her husband that he would have a son, and the world would be blessed through that son, but the woman, past child-bearing age didn't believe.  She concocted this numb-skull idea of giving her servant girl to her husband to have a child, thus, her husband could have an heir, and she could claim that child as being in their household.  I know, sounds crazy to us, but perfectly normal in the patriarchal age. 

    Many of you know the story.  It was a disaster of Biblical proportions, pun intended.  The pregnant servant girl lorded it over her mistress, and the jealousy of the mistress led her to mistreat her servant girl, like woman scorned.  From these two women came six thousand years of turmoil in the middle east.  So, I guess two years of my own turmoil was me getting off easier than I should have.  

    So, what did the older woman do, that made this story such a classic?   She blamed the man, of course.  Yeah, I know, sounds crazy, huh?  The poor guy didn't know what to do.  He was just doing what nature called him to do, and what his wife suggested surely did sound good to him.  When GOD uses the Bible as a mirror, it makes the reflection I see in a real mirror look a lot better to me than it usually does.  

     A couple of weeks ago, I'm on my treadmill, listening to my new favorite preacher on-line, Erwin Lutzer, and he's doing a sermon series on Abraham. I mean, it's not like I don't know that story inside and out, but when Pastor Lutzer said in his sermon, concerning Sarai, blaming her husband, "Wait a minute, lady, who's idea was this in the first place, and who initiated all of this?"   It was as if a gavel had dropped down from heaven, and plunked me directly on my head. A flashback of a past mistake, one that I wanted to forget, played in Dolby surround sound, in my head, and I finally saw the truth of what happened.  I slapped myself upside the head, and thought, "Oh my GOD, it was ALL my fault, all that time, it's been my fault. It was my initiative, every time."  

    Although, I took some responsibility, and considered myself as guilty as Bathsheba, and having repented of it, considered myself forgiven, the thought never occurred to me that I wasn't as guilty as Bathsheba, but as guilty as David! All this time, I was pulling a Sarai, and blaming the man.  I had confessed my sin, so I was clean, or so I thought.  Apparently, the bleach-bit software, I used to completely delete my part of the sin in the scenario was as defective as the deep state's attempt to unseat a duly elected President. (A little Qanon humor there, for more info on that, you'll have to check out an earlier blog titled "Time to Get in the Know.")

    I don't need to get into the details of this horrible situation if you know the story, and yes, the very same sin, only no baby involved, thank goodness.  The circumstances were very different, but I was the one who initiated what I knew could turn into a night of stupidity and humanity, in all the wrong places.  The worst part was that I blamed him, as the David, when it really was me.  

    When that lead ball dropped, so did I.  That was the end of my work out, no cool down, just a huge let down.  WOW!  What a humbling moment.  That dude, by the way, hated my guts, and had told me to get lost four times in the course of three and a half years.  What was I to do?  I had to tell him it wasn't his fault, that it was all  mine, but surely, he didn't want to hear from me.  
     What does one do, when one needs to get a message across, but doesn't know how to do it?  Well, she Tweets it, of course.  The only problem being was that he wasn't on Twitter.  The ONLY thing I could do was to screen shot the apology, and send it via a text from my new phone number, anonymously, hoping not to tick him off, again, for the umpteenth time.  Believe me, I prayed a lot during those few minutes. I finally decided the worst thing that could happen was only what happened before, but at least, I would have done the right thing and taken full responsibility for every thing that had gone wrong between us over the past two years.  

    To make a long and boring story to you short, a few texts back and forth, and eventually, getting up the nerve to identify myself, turns out, he didn't hate me after all, he just didn't understand where I got off coming off so high and mighty, getting in his business. SLAM!  He was right, again.  Mistake number two.  I had the nerve of trying to tell him to correct the error of his ways, when it was my error with him that started this whole mess.  I had no business in his business until I did business with the sin myself.   

    So, I sinned with this man, I blamed him, and yet, my sin with this man, only perpetuated his.  WOW!  It's amazing how pain can draw us into the wrong directions, and cause us to do really stupid and human things.  The pain of abandonment drove me into his arms, then the pain of shame drove me out. Then the pain of rejection caused me to be even MORE stupid and human, until the pain of conviction hit home and fixed everything.  

     He doesn't hate me, we are not friends, but, he is going to do something for me that I have been begging GOD to have him do, because, although we are coming from different angles, he is the only one I trust to do this job correctly and to the best of his ability.  

    My house is rotting out from underneath me, and needs some serious carpentry work.  He's done work for me before, and although the work turned out well, the relationship soured even more.  One more attempt to get him to fix my house, last year, and what was bad went to really really really bad.  I spent this past year in panic mode while six other carpenters traipsed through my house, with each one falling through the rotted wood, so to speak, for one reason or another.  When the last decent one turned out to be a crack head, I really started cracking up with panic.  Turns out, I was the crack pot all along. Pun intended.  

    What gave me the courage to ask again, can only be of GOD, but he said yes, and what I knew in my heart two years ago, about him being the only reliable man to fix what was rotting all around me, was put off for two extra years because, it wasn't just the wood rotting in my house, but the stench of self-righteous piety in me.  

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Do You Know What it Feels Like?
I Do! 
     Do you know what it feels like to be a treasured son out of twelve, slated for taking over as patriarch of the family, chosen to be the one to receive the double blessing, honored above all the rest, favored by the patriarch?  Do you know what it feels like to be given a dream that the entire family will bow down to you, THEN, one day, thrown in a cistern?  Do you know what it feels like to be sold as a slave to a people whose language and customs you've never known or experienced?  Do you know what it feels like to rise above the ranks of all the slaves, to be the honored servant given free range of the household?  Do you know what it feels like to be lusted after, not loved, but lusted after, and doing your best to avoid dishonoring GOD and your master, BUT, thrown in prison for doing the right thing, with NO hope of leaving ever? Do you know what it feels like to think that one day you were going to be king of the hill in your family, but a decade later, assuming you'll never see your beloved father or brother, or even hated step-brothers, again? Do you know what it feels like to be Joseph?   I do.      

     Do you know what if feels like to be slated to be Pharaoh, top of the line in the dynasty, beloved, honored cherished by your "mother" and the king?  Do you know what it feels like to find out, you don't really belong there, but figure, you're there for a reason, and that reason is to free your biological family when you become Pharaoh, and you can't wait for that day to be their hero? Do you know what it feels like to be booted from the palace and on the run, and then stuck in the wilderness a nobody for FORTY years, all your dreams long since died?  Do you know what it feels like to be in the presence of GOD, who tells you that He has this great plan for you, and you are afraid to dream, again?  Do you know what it feels like to begin the work, have Pharaoh laugh you out of the palace, the stuff to really hit the fan for all your people, and you're to blame for having a delusional thought, again that you are to be their deliverer?  Do you know what it feels like to be laughed out of town, and discredited by those you want to help? Do you know what if feels like to be Moses? I do. 

      Do you know what it feels like to be a seventeen year old nobody shepherd BOY, who is anointed by the ONLY priest and prophet of the nation, and told you'll be king one day?  Do you know what it feels like to be heralded a hero by killing the giant enemy of your people, who was terrorizing the entire army, and to be praised and promoted to the palace to serve the King with your talents?  Do you know what it feels like to be challenged, and you exceed that challenge, and for it you get the king's daughter as your bride?  Then, not only do you have the King's daughter as your bride, but the King considers you his best soldier. Do you know what it feels like to have the people sing your praises ABOVE the king? Ah, I've arrived, you think.  I'm the king's son-in-law, I'm his best warrior. I'm slated to be the next king, and this is how I'm going to attain it. THEN, slam, before you know it, you're dodging spears thrown at your head and on the run for ten years from a mad king, who is your father-in-law, bent on killing you, AND, you've lost your wife, because the king gave her to another. Do you know what it feels like to be David?  I do.    

      Do you know what it feels like to be used as a trick to enslave a man as your husband because no one else wanted you?  Do you know what it feels like to compete with your more beautiful younger sister who has your husband's heart, but your only use is as a human incubator to deliver sons to the husband who despises you? Do you know what it feels like to be Leah or Peninnah?  I do. 

    Do you know what it feels like to be a concubine, a sex slave to the king, and you get pregnant?  After that, you're useless to him.  Do you know what it feels like to have one of the king's son sleep with you as his sex slave and impregnate you, again? You are now useless to everyone and trapped in a palace with no hope of every loving or being loved.  Do you know what it feels like to have your sons ripped from your life, hung on a pole, because the new king uses YOUR sons as payment of a broken 450 year-old promise, and your sons pay with their lives?  Do you know what it feels like to patrol those bodies, hanging on a pole for SIX months, because you are not allowed to give them a decent burial, so you dedicate your life to guarding those bodies of your beloved sons from the beasts and birds of the air that want to eat the dead flesh of those bones?  I don't know what Rizpah felt like, but I've felt her agony of being used, abused, thrown away, and sitting by just waiting for what's halfway decent and fair. 

     Do you know what it feels like to be a wife of thirty years, thrown away, a mother of eight, used as a just a giver of favors, a mother thrown away by your adult children?  Do you know what it's like to be in God's presence, and told He has a work for you to do, and your life which sucked before, gets far worse year after year, even after you were called?  Do you know what it's like to be given a gift by GOD, a talent you never had, then told, "shelve it" for a time, but you don't know for how long?  I do. 

     Do you know what it's like to pray for someone for three and a half years, and that person hates you?  Do you know what it's like to see a hero in a country music star, but not the kind of heroic thing everyone else sees, but a Kingdom of GOD hero, not yet there?  Do you know what it's like to get your hopes up time after time after time after time, for SEVEN years, only to be shot down each time, and told to hope, again?  I do.  It's an impossible life, and the whole world thinks you've lost your marbles, and you believe them.

     If you have any clue what I'm saying, I have a song for you!  Well, maybe a couple, but this one should help.


 Exodus: 14:14 
" The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Prepare to be offended.

     If you have ever read any of my blogs, you know that I am a straight shooter who doesn't hold back, even if that means offending some with the truth.  Well, darlin,' I got a good one for you today!  So, hold on to your hats, because here it comes!   

      Birth control is the mother of abortion. Phew! Woe~ I got that out.  Take a deep breath and absorb that for a minute, after you cool down.   So, let me explain where I got this. I don't know, actually, the true source, but back in my child-bearing age, I read a lot of books about full quivers.  There is this movement, although, I'm not thinking it's all that big now, or ever was, but it's called the Quiverful Movement.  It is Christians who believe that GOD is the true Author of life and should be give a free hand in the size of one's family.  Children have become something that we put on our trophy  shelves to brag on, or live vicariously through them.  When the size of our families became something we controlled in comparison to our bank statements, sadly, it seems the bank statements won out.  The Word of GOD calls children a blessing, a gift from GOD.  Back in the day, a family with a quiver full was considered honored by GOD.  Now, we see children as a burden instead of a blessing.
    I know that each time that pregnancy test popped up positive, I was elated, but my husband never was. I should have seen that as a sign, but he "went along" with the idea that children were a gift from GOD.  He "went along" with a lot of things said in church, but when the rubber hit the road, the road split.

     These days, we apply for debt, larger and larger, and avoid what GOD calls a gift from Him.  Even though, I still fully agree with my bold statement, far be it from me to advise ANY mother to use or not use birth control. That is not why I am writing this, and taking a huge risk.  That is GOD's decision, and He gets what He wants with whom and ALL the time.  But go with me for a moment.  

     It wasn't all that long ago that birth control was illegal, and I'm not just referring in the Roman Catholic Church.  By the way, the next person that I tell that I have EIGHT children says or asks, "You must be Catholic, or Are you Catholic?" I cannot promise to be so genteel with my answer.  I have to tell you, I am sick of that question and association.  The Roman Catholic Church does not corner the market on popping out babies.  I grew up in New England where the RCC rules the roost, and I mean EVERYTHING, so back in the 60's and 70's large broods was a very common thing .  The a husband and wife were considered honored by GOD if they have many children.  That's not the case anymore. 
   My mom had  was a good Catholic, coming from a long line of them, and had six children. This was for a different reason, which I will write about some day.  Her grandparents popped out quite a few, also.  In my small town,  population, 30K or less, with TWO Roman Catholic churches, there were a great many families with five or more.  The neighbors across the street had nine, catercorner one way had six, and catercorner the other way has five.  On that small dead end street with only six houses, we filled up an entire school bus practically.  There wasn't a time of day when there weren't a dozen or so children out in the street playing.  It was a dead end road twenty-five feet, and one house away from the town-line, so no one came out there, unless they lived there.  It was a wonderful existence because children were valued.  I'm so thankful that at my ripe old age of mid-fifties and then some, I still have both my parents, although very much divorced and very much still hating each other, and all my siblings, although, none of them like me very much!
     Yesterday, I heard a state rep say, "If we don't kill them now, we'll kill them later,"  when debating abortion in his state legislation.  He went on and on about how there are many children who just aren't wanted.  This is demonic, people.  Only a demon living inside someone would say such a horrendous thing.  I then went to the gym and listened to my book on my kindle which spoke of how sacrificing children in a fire to a mythical god was considered completely normal.  I have put a picture of the page up, just so you can get the feel of the horror I felt on that treadmill when I read this portion of the book, "The Kings of Israel and Judah."

       I'm sure that my above statement has riled up a lot of people.  Again, I'm NOT advising women to throw their birth control apparatus out the window, what I'm saying is that abortion got its start from when birth control became every day normal and accepted, to prevent unwanted children.  You see, we apply for debt, but turn down blessings.  Children are a reward GOD says, but we don't want that kind of award, because it would mean sacrificing the big home, the nice cars, the kind of life our parents dreamed we'd have, and spoiled us to get there.  (That's another post about the college scandals).



Sunday, April 28, 2019

"DANGER,  Will Robinson, DANGER!"

       I can still hear that robot's voice, and see his flailing metallic coiling arms with the hooks on the end.  How many of you grew up watching "Lost in Space,"  and heard that line over and over in almost every episode?  Raise your hands!  You, with the hands not raised, you younger people, who have no idea what I am talking about, go to You Tube, and put this post's title in, and you'll find it.  You can find anything on You Tube.  I get almost all my sermons from You Tube.  I have learned more from You Tube sermons than I had learned from 30 years going to church, once a week, or even weekly Bible studies. 

     Of course, I'm extremely picky who I will listen to, or which sermons I will choose from which pastors.  When I first started seeking sermons on You Tube, I used to gravitate to those "pick-me-up" motivational speeches that so many talented, mega-church pastors have perfected.  I was in a bad place, because the years have been so rough on me. The tidal waves of trials have nearly drowned me.  I needed the life-saving rafts of those kinds of encouraging sermons.  I'm not knocking them, they are very good and useful for the ones living in the valley of the shadow of death, trying to climb their way out, and back up to the mountain top with GOD. The words are so smooth, so easy to go down, and they got me fired up to keep going in my quest to fulfill that which GOD has called me to, when the "accuser of the brethren" kept hounding me, trying to discourage and dissuade me.

      Those sermons exhorted me and  affirmed me in my pursuit of GOD. They helped me to dig deeper in His Word.  The deeper I dug, the more I wanted to know about GOD and how He dealt with His people.  There is a place for every kind of sermon, the hell-fire and brimstone, the pick-up sermons, and the theological, deep, contextual Scriptural ones, causing us to take each word of each Scripture, and meditate on the exact meaning of them and why GOD put them there as is.  I love them all in their proper place for their proper season, but I'm going to say something very bold, right now, very true, very controversial, and many of you are NOT going to like it, but it must be said.  If you've read my previous blogs, you know that I do not hold back, so this is your warning. If you don't want to hear the truth, straight from the Word of GOD, then you might as well hit the X button now, because this ain't pretty.  Are you ready?
      Okay, here goes...,  in most, not all, but in most visible churches, GOD is not there.  Woe, I know that was a bit much wasn't it?  You are saying, "Hold up, who the heck are you and where do you get off saying that?"  The answer:  I am just a woman, a nobody, who has spent an entire lifetime in the valley of the shadow of death, trying to climb my way out, and  who chases hard after GOD, and I mean really hard.  I chase Him so much, that I study Him through His Word, all day long, everyday, and at night also.  It is the only way to stay alive down here in the valley.  I want to know everywhere He is, and I want to be there where He is.  You are now saying, GOD is everywhere, and yes, that is true. GOD is everywhere, but his blessing presence is not everywhere.

      Did you know that there are TWO churches in this church age.  There is the invisible church and the visible one.  The visible church is the body of "professing believers" that gather in one of the hundreds of thousands of cathedrals, church buildings, church campuses, or even store fronts, and rented spaces.  The invisible church is the body of believers that are true believers, and only GOD knows who they are, and we do not.  GOD knows each individual heart, and which ones are fully His.  We have no right to say who is and who is not a true believer, because to do so, would put us in equality with GOD, in our own eyes, only. 

     If that didn't shock you, hold on to your hat, because I have another, even more bold, controversial, and one to really tick you off.  You ready?  Okay, here goes...,  unless you know the Old Testament really well, and I mean the history of GOD's people, and how He dealt with them, and I mean really well, as in from 4000 BC to AD 3 or 4, when Christ entered this world, then you do NOT know GOD, properly, or hardly at all.  I know, I can hear you. You are saying, "Wait, Jesus is GOD, the exact representation of GOD. "  Yep, that's right. You may know about the Son of GOD, but do you know GOD the Father?  I dare say, most don't. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people, even pastors say,  "The Old Testament is difficult, it's hard to understand, or the GOD of the Old Testament is full or wrath, or judgmental, always saying hard things, cursing His people, pouring out His judgment, calling them names like "stiff-necked," and letting them know just how bad they are. The best, or rather the worst which is what my estranged husband would alway say, "the GOD of the Old Testament is mad all the time." 

      If this is your belief, perception, limited knowledge, or what you see in the Old Testament prophetic books, then you could not be more wrong.  The GOD of the Old Testament, is the same GOD that sent His son to pay for our sins, so that we could be with Him in Eternity.  I have told people that I actually find more mercy and grace in the Old Testament than I do the New, and I get the same puzzled look from most.  They shake their heads in disbelief, and wonder how can that be?  It is because I know it, and I know it well.  I know the history books, the poetry books, and the historicity of the prophetic books, the context and the chronological order of them. That is where you find the true heart of GOD and His love for His people, which is poured out all over them. 

       The Old Testament isn't the wrath of GOD, that doesn't come until the Great Tribulation. It isn't GOD angry, it isn't GOD judging, it is GOD begging!  Yes, He is begging, pleading, and exhorting His people to return to Him, fully, heart and soul.  Those prophets sent warning from GOD, letting them know what will happen if they do not return to Him. He gave them hundreds of years worth of warnings.  Most of those prophets prophesied warnings of the danger coming for those who turn away or go their own way, a hundred and fifty to twenty-five to one-year before the well-deserved judgment fell on them.  Eventually, GOD had to clean house, and I'm here to tell you that GOD repeats Himself, all the time.  He will be cleaning house, again with His people.  The Jews back then are no different than the church today, with one exception, the church has the Holy Spirit dwelling within their individual hearts, each person has GOD living in them.  It was not so then. Back then, the Holy Spirit fell on select servants and prophets.  Now, we all can have access to the Holy Spirit.     

       I know what you are thinking, "We are New Testament Christians, living in the dispensation of Grace, and all that Jesus taught."  Yes, that's true, but if your really read all of Jesus's words, you'll find that he was no doormat, and he wasn't always so patient with his people.  He also was quite bold, judgmental, and damning of the pharisees, the religious right who refused to humble themselves, deny their sinful hearts, or accept Who he was.  I know what you're thinking, and it's what Jesus said about us gathering.  Several times, Jesus said, "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I with you."  Yes, he surely did say that. Here is what He did not say, "Where two or three thousand, or twenty thousand of you are gathered in my name, there I am with you."  Do you see the difference? 

        Where is the best place for a sinner, living in sin, professing Christ, but living out their life their own way, making judgments as to what is sin to them and what is not, hide? Yep, in church on Sunday morning. No matter the size, large or small, mega or medium, the sinner living in sin, and not for Christ is hiding among us.  The problem with them hiding among us is that many of us know that they are there, and we are just minding our own business.  There is a fine line between playing the Holy Spirit where we do not have the right, and accepting our brothers' and sisters' sinful disobedience to GOD.  Jesus said, the Kingdom of GOD is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest, but quickly grows into a large tree where the birds of the air can nest/rest in their branches. 
     News flash, my friend,  for as much as we love beautiful birds, and the songs they sing to us in those early mornings, and that they are GOD's wonderful creatures, that is unless they are in the Bible.  In the Bible, birds have a negative connotation.  Like the tares and the wheat, a visible church full of birds is a bad thing.  The bigger the visible church, the more birds perching in it's pews.  Now, I'm not here to knock on worship styles, or worship music, or even mega churches, because if that's your thing, then, fine, enjoy it, but know this, in all likelihood, you are the only one enjoying it.  GOD is not.  How do I know this?

      It is all over the Old Testament.  GOD said, "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."   (Isaiah 29, Matthew 15, Mark 7)   It's in both book, so that proves, people don't change.  GOD knows who are truly His and who are going through the motions, because it's all they have known since pew-warming in utero.  Of course, there is an Old Testament precedent, and if you've read my blogs before, you know that I am going to show you the type, portrait, picture, or typology of this from then.  Back in the days of the divided kingdom, the northern Kingdom called Israel and the southern called Judah, there were these places called, "high places." The are spoken of in 1 & 2 Kings/Chronicles.  They were an abomination to GOD.  The Jews living in sin and disobedience to GOD used them as substitutes for actual Temple worship, festivals, or temple sacrifices, which were prescribed by GOD and ascribed by the Levites, the only priestly clan chosen by GOD to be the ones who performed the sacrifices for the sins of themselves and for the people. 

       So, instead of obeying GOD by gathering at the appointed seasons, festivals and times, people began substituting what GOD commanded for what better suited them.  Are you following me?  They sometimes worshiped GOD in these high places, but mostly, they worshiped the false pagan gods of their neighboring kingdoms, a big No-No in GOD's eyes and laws.  GOD was not in those high places, because He was in the Holiest of the Holies in either the Tabernacle or the Temples built and ordained by those whom GOD commanded to build them.     
       There was a lot of sinful things going on in those high places, and there are a lot of sinful things going on in the visible church.  A few posts ago, I explained how us forgiving unrepentant sins that GOD has not forgiven  was us playing GOD, when we had not right to.   I gave plenty of examples in the Old and New Testament of how  GOD strictly forbids of us to hide or accept those abominable things to Him.  My estranged husband, who is living in full out rebellion and disobedience to GOD, hides in a local mega-church, and he  loves going there. So, also does my son, who is living with his fiance.  They tell me how uplifting are the messages. Do you see a problem here?  If the birds hiding among the branches feel comfortable, then I can guarantee you, GOD's presence and blessing are not there. 

     There are a great many verses and examples that we can take from the prophetic books and see them as portraits of today.  After all, man does not change and neither does GOD.  Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever, Hebrews tells us.  What GOD hated then, He still hates today.  Now, this blog isn't about naming sins, which are an abomination to GOD and which are not, because folks, ALL sin is an abomination to GOD.  We don't get to choose which sin GOD accepts as okay, and which sins are detestable.  It is not our place to say.  GOD says it so eloquently and plainly in His Word. He hates sin. 

      We cannot help being sinful people, because we are born this way.  We cannot get out of falling into sin, but like always, it's our hearts GOD is after, not our actions or works.  Remember, David, Paul, Jacob, Samson, and many others were complete losers, messes, murderers and liars, but, they had hearts truly in love with GOD, and sought hard after Him.  I am here to tell you, we cannot live in defiant disobedience and rebellion, stone-hearted toward our sins, and seek hard after GOD.  If we don't hate our disobedience, our sins, our human frailty, but relish in it, then we need to search deeply within and ask ourselves, "Do we really belong to Him?  Are we in the invisible church, or the visible church."   Let me tell you, when the rapture comes, and Jesus comes calling for us, he will not rapture the visible church, but the invisible one, the one whose hearts are truly His. 

      So, what is the solution to this problem of the birds in the pews?  It isn't about pointing fingers, it's about leaving the pews.  That was my solution.  I don't go to church, I do church at home with my children.  You say we need to gather, as Hebrews tells us to.  What do you think we are doing now?  We are gathering, right now.  You and I are connecting.  I connect with many people on line, in person, at the store, at a function, and yes, even visiting church style events.  Gathering together was not defined as meeting together every Sunday morning at 11:00 sharp for 57 minutes.  It means connecting, up-lifting, exhorting, confronting, when necessary, but in love, or just being together to learn from each other and love each other, any way we can.  We live in such a wonderful time as now.  We can gather together with brothers and sisters next door, the next state, or even "across the pond."  I have dear friends all over the world from whom I've gathered and gleaned, and with whom I've shared what GOD has taught me.  It's a glorious time to gather with anyone to whom we are sent, or with whom GOD sends to us.


Friday, April 26, 2019

Maybe it's okay that I'm not okay!

         I have been beating myself up for years, and now, I can finally stop!  So, I've been trying my hardest to do that which goes against every fiber of my being and experiences in life. I have done my best, but I just can't..., 

T-R-U-S-T  GOD. 

      It isn't that GOD isn't trustworthy, it's just that life is not trustworthy.  If it can beat you up, it will. I grew up in a home with parents who hated each other, and pitted us against each other, not just against them, but us six siblings, also.  It was a mess. No one in my family knew how to love anyone, let alone ourselves.  No one in my house knew that lying was a bad thing. It's all we knew to do, and were encouraged, or in some cases forced to do it.   My father cheated, and my mom went "nuts," with grief, through no fault of her own.  She had just as bad a family life growing up, then a husband who cheated from the get-go.  Six children and twenty years later, that woman was anything but stable, and she had raised some serious stone-cold siblings. (Allen means stone, FYI)  
     When you are 9 years old, you believe your mom when she says that you'll never get back in the house if we go with our father on visitations, or tell the inquiring the social workers that we actually loved our father, and wanted to see him.  We weren't allowed to love him.  We had to hate him per the orders of the mother, superior...,  We had to lie to the courts, or else. Eventually, he stopped trying.  Of course, that just fed into what my mother was brainwashing us to think of him; that he was an awful person who wanted nothing to do with us. 

      None of that was true.  Last night, while going through my journals from when I was 17, I read how my father tried to take my mother to court, because she wasn't letting us go with him, and emotionally, she wasn't right in her head, and raising a bunch of nut-jobs themselves.  Obviously, through some serious manipulating on mother's side, he lost that case.  I didn't remember that.  I must have blocked it out.  I sounded just like my mother in those journals, as if it was her recorded voice. We were taught never to trust anyone, hate people first before they can hate you, and all men were whore-masters, as she called them, and they sucked big time.  

     So, when you hear that from six years old to present, you are conditioned, it's impossible to not be.  Fast forward fifty years, and your husband of near thirty years, whom you never ever even considered would bail on you, does, leaving you shocked an awed, and not the good kind.  I never saw that coming.  Those near three decades would I have told you he would be faithful and true to the end.  If there was anyone I counted on, it was him.  I knew he had minor faults, like he wasn't good with words, unless he was telling a lie. He never said kind things or complimented me, but he was noble and trustworthy, or so I thought.  He loved me, or so I thought. Then to break every vow he ever made to me, and to our children, and to GOD, well,  DUH! I should have seen it coming.

     Recently, I heard a sermon about how a woman gets her sense of being loved by GOD through her father and later her husband.   If a woman is spoken kind to and affirmed and shown love to her by her husband, she is able to be confident in the LORD in almost anything.  Take the opposite of that, an unaffectionate father and husband who found fault with everything, add into that, one estranged adult child for seven years, another for three and counting, a couple of friends bailing, and dual cases of cancer, killing what was left of my dysfunctional marriage.  

   The last few years, as I have mentioned, others have come along with their construction site, steel-toed work boots, and stomped on my heart, also.   Losing a daughter for seven years, a son for three and a grandson, along with dual cancers, seriously, can GOD make it worse?  If He could, I guarantee, He will do it on me.    
  For Pete's sake, how much is one woman expected to take when it comes to having a steak knife hammered into her heart, but not only a knife, but a cheese grater, also. It's a wonder I'm a Jesus-loving freaky lover of GOD, obsessed with every word in the Bible.  It's the only place to find hope, and I know it's true.  I just haven't experienced any of those wonderful victories of my BBF's (Bible best friends). I know every letter of every promise, and I long to see some of them, but I lose faith many times that I ever will.  
     So, it's okay that I'm not okay, and it's okay if you, my friend, are not okay, either.  It's okay that I have to work at trusting GOD, because, every day it's a battle, and some days, I lose. It's okay. GOD is not mad at me, ashamed of me, or disappointed in me, nor is He mad, ashamed, or disappointed in you.  In fact, He loves us more for even trying.   All my life, with the exception of two times, I've either had to settle for less or make due with a "no."  Another DUH due here!   I also let people make me feel guilty for falling into something that has been conditioned in my head and heart for, well, more than fifty years.  I have finally gotten to the point where I hardly listen to a Christian's advice, anymore.  I look it up in GOD's Word, and then I ask the Holy Spirit, until I get an answer.  

     Take Christian music.  I borrowed my title from a song on the radio that has really helped me. (link below)  Some pew warmers will find fault with anything, and everything.  They may fault a song for any number of reasons, but when we are on our knees, pouring our heart and pain out to GOD through that music and lyrics, I say poo poo to them, and I think Jesus would, also.  It's in the heart, it's always been about our hearts, according to Jesus. Don't let other pew-warmers tell you how to be, how to feel, or what you can and cannot say to GOD.  

    GOD knows what's in our hearts, before we even form the words in our brains.  Prayer isn't us informing GOD of our needs and pain, it's GOD helping us discover them, so we can learn from them, deal with them, and grow from them.  We cannot hide things from GOD, but sometimes, He hides the solutions from us, until we are good and ready to hear the answer, see the answer, or even understand the answers.  I take longer than most, in fact, most times,  I wonder why GOD would pick someone who is not only not the sharpest knife in the draw, but even as a butter knife, she doesn't get the job done.  

Monday, April 22, 2019

When Death is your only way out

      How does a woman not get despaired when the only way out of her situation is death, and that death will devastate everyone you love?  I've been a married-widow now for almost five years, maybe even longer in GOD's eyes.  It was November 2014 when GOD finally made it obvious to me that there was no hope for my marriage.  When GOD says there is no hope, that is a hopeless situation.  

     He tried to convince me for years that my husband worshiped a different god, one that fit his description and not the One in the Bible.  My husband's god says that living in sin is okay.  My husband's god says that it was all your wife's fault the marriage failed.  My husband's god says it's okay to break every vow you ever made to him, to your wife, and to your children.  My husband's god says that it is okay to start a relationship with another woman while you are legally married to the same woman you vowed to love, honor and cherish, and pretend that he is divorced, because in his eyes only, he is divorced.  

     I have a different GOD.  My GOD is the one described in the Bible, the one that says, no divorce is acceptable just because you can't live up to your wife's hopes of a Godly husband who loves, honors, and cherishes her.  My GOD says that it is not okay to live separate from your wife and your children, and just writing a check will suffice.  My GOD says that anything is possible, even the restoration of a dead marriage for him who believes.  In my case, however, GOD is not going to restore my marriage, because my husband and I worship different deities.  

     This is my situation.  Either I die, or he does, and that is the only way out.  Sure, we can get a civil divorce, but it means nothing to GOD.  So, GOD tells me to wait, and wait I have, but I had no idea that the wait would be over four years and counting.  So, what will GOD do with a man who says, "No thanks, GOD, I don't want to finish raising the children that I had with my wife, nor do I want to be a Godly husband to the woman that I vowed to love, honor, and cherish before You and all my family."   What does GOD do with a man who wants nothing to do with serving Him, but being served by Him?  What does GOD do with a man who goes to church to hear an uplifting message that comforts him in his life of sin?  What does GOD do with a man whose wife wants to serve Him day and night, and who has been given a gift to serve Him?  

    The Bible tell us what GOD does with a man like that. The story is in 1 Samuel 25.  I'll let you read that story on your own, but herein is where my dilemma lies.  My only way out, my only hope for happiness in this life, my only hope for another chance is if my husband of thirty-three years dies, which will devastate myself and my eight children, and everyone who knows and loves him. So, how does a woman NOT despair?  It is impossible.  

     There are days when I just cannot cope with this reality, and days when I just want to die myself, but my life or death is not in my hands, but the Hands of the One who ordained every day of my life before one of them began. (Psalm 139:16)  Everyone tells me to pray for my husband, as if I have not done that for the last thirty years.  The Bible has an answer to that, also.  It is in Jeremiah 7 and 11.  Again, I'll let you find that answer and tell GOD that He is wrong.  My GOD says, it's no use praying for my husband, because his heart is as hardened as was Pharaoh's.  

     I live in a constant state of despair, and no one wants to be around a woman in despair, no one wants to be her friend.  There is One and One only Who does, and yet still, it leads for a very, very lonely life, because GOD Himself says, "It is not good for man to be alone,"  Genesis 2:18.  How much worse is it for the one GOD calls the weaker sex? 

       Oswald Chambers said it best, I think:  "GOD never faults a man or woman for falling into despair."  


Sunday, April 14, 2019


     I've done all that I could for the LORD, and whatever I've written is there for GOD to use until heaven and earth disappear, if He has chosen.  I've done all that I thought He wanted me to do. Now, it's just up to Him to do with whatever for whomever. i can't keep asking and getting NO, and keep hoping it's just NOT YET.  I go to bed despaired and disappointed, soaking my pillow every night. When does it end?

 No man succeeds, 
whom GOD has determined to fail.
   No man fails 
whom GOD has determined to succeed